shades of purest pink
by Joana Seta
Summary: the Sumeragui twins share a moment's thoughts about Seishirou within the terrible folds of the younger one's shattered psyche. (Seishirou x Subaru)


** shades of purest pink**

by Joanna Seta

Onee-san?

Onee-san…? 

Onee-san, where are you?

_small__ feet, very small. soft, soft-- and gentle, so gentle, against a floor of shadows. the sound is muffled by the tabi that protect them from the cold. (but everything is cold here, is it not?) the shifuku whispers silently in the emptiness. hesitant – his breathing._

_you__ hesitate?_

_child__, child, lost in the dark…… only you do not fear the dark, do you? you deal with it, little bird, you deal with the dark, and the gloom, and the evil, and the terrible shadows they feed. you return the vengeful souls, the violent spirits – you soothe them, lead them to a higher plane… you turn the perfidious energies into light. that was what you were taught, was it not? your family, your blood, your heritage, your responsibility, your duty… isn't it so? you walk for them, little bird, instead of flying your dreams, the path by your kin treaded since immemorial times (to protect japan, ha! the world is going to end in 1999…). to face the dark – that's what you do, baby, child – limit it, light it, send it back where it belongs (to hell? to the human heart?)._

_innocent__, so innocent! six years old: so terribly childish and terribly oblivious. big expressive eyes (they do not hide a thing, your eyes, do they?) of an unique emerald green. was it not your innocence, your naïveté, that made Him notice you?_

_children__ are to be made old, in the end._

'Nee-san!

_a__ change of current. he falls to his knees in the shadows. he curls his body around himself.. a cocoon of flesh and ritual silk. _

_they__ devour him, the shadows. devour him, devour him._

_he__ belongs to the light. they devour him, devour him._

_he__ belongs to the darkness._

_no__._

_he__ belongs to Him._

Subaru…

_she__ is not very tall. nipponese women are rarely so. she is normal. _

_her__ hair is short and black, black, black. but it is not /dark/. no. it does not remind him of the darkness, the evil and the shadows._

_the__ shadows, the darkness and the evil are pink._

_they__ were white, but turned pink – stained by the blood they feed upon, the blood of the corpses buried under the roots. _

_ He said it was so. _

_the__ little bird knows that His words are lies, but he believes in them. _

_he__ saw Him feeding her. the sakura tree. (and even if he hadn't seen, he would believe it, still. those are things you feel. things that are)._

Subaru!

_but__ he saw, and he forgot. _

_he__ forgot the blood of some nameless one staining His hands-- His hands. _

_he__ forgot he should feel fear and terror. _

_he__ forgot he should flee. _

_but__ there was no possible escape, was there?_

_ (after all, to love Him is destiny…)_

_he__ saw and heard, but forgot. _

_he__ forgot His cold smile. _

Subaru! You were but a child! It was not your fault! You couldn't know! 

_and__ if he had known, would he have done differently?_

_not__ even for you, who are his sister._

You couldn't have known!

……………I should have known!

_he__ forgot that in His expression there were no emotions other than indifference and a cold – freezing! – contentment. he forgot that that hadn't frightened him. that the little bird had approached the predator and asked him how the claws, the teeth, the powerful jaws worked. _

_he__ forgot that he had cared for the corpses underneath the earth._

_and__ for caring, he had pricked His interest._

_ He did not know how to feel. _

_ (…He wished to feel…)_

Subaru, think… what could have you done?

_he__ forgot the markings upon his small hands – the markings of His prey (kissed by the hunter, blessed by the blood of the possessor) – which conveyed a very simple message:_

Seishirou was already a most powerful onmyouji. You were only six! How could you have--!

Hokuto-chan, it doesn't matter. That afternoon I became--

_ "today, I shan't kill you"_

--something--

_ "but your life"_

_ "is mine to harvest."_

--something--

_ "tomorrow"_

_ "afterwards"_

_ "it doesn't matter"_

--I became something--

_ "you are mine."_

Of His. _spoken__ with reverence. and a tremor._

For ever.

_curled__ up gently – like one who hides and knows he cannot. doubled upon himself. hugging his knees. rocking softly. lying upon pink shadows._

_a__ child. who is not, anymore. a little bird. with clipped wings._

He-- he said?

_an__ expectant silence._

He said he loved me.

Yes, he said that. So do I. I love you very much, Subaru.

_silence__. he clings with renewed strength to his own flesh. the shadows surround him yet (they will surround him. forever)._

So do I. I love you, too. Hokuto. 'Nee-san. 

I… he doesn't love me.

_ reluctance__._

No. He doesn't love you. 

_a__ sob._

Why?

_she__ glides in the air._

_it's__ normal. she's incorporeal. and-- softly softly, she comes closer. approaches him._

What did he promise you…… Subaru?

One year. One year after our second meeting.

One year…?

Yes, one year. One year with me. One year being kind. One year being cheerful. One year being nice. One year smiling charmingly. One year being affectionate. One year watching over me. One year protecting me. One year telling me he of his love for me.

That was what hurt you most? His saying he loved you? Lying?

_the__ small fists relax, releasing the fabric that covered his legs in a quiet whisper._

_slowly__, like a small flower, the little bird awakes and unfolds, stretches and grows up, expands and embraces. _

No.

_a__ child. who is not, anymore. a little bird. with clipped wings._

_sixteen__ years. sweet sweet. a bitter-tasting honey. a sinful innocence._

What hurts…

…what hurts is loving someone he is not.

_he__ gets up. and rises. the shadows devour him. he is part of the shadows. he is light. _

_above__ all, he is His._

He killed you.

Yes. I asked him to.

_he__ looks at her in the eyes. with eyes of a dove. empty empty empty and black black. and dark. and green. and innocent. and intense. and in love. oh, subaru!_

I miss you.

I know.

_warm__ skin on the mystic air of her soul. comfort. familiarity. safety. arms that envelop and embrace and cling and hold and don't let go-- desperately. _

_she__ is spirit, but he embraces the spirits. _

_and__ she is warm. much warmer. warmer than fire. and lava. and the centre of the earth. _

_but__ she is not warmer than Him._

I love you, Hokuto.

I love you, Subaru.

_an__ embrace that prolongs itself in time. a time that is no time at all, since it does not exist. _

_a__ soul in separate but identical bodies. twins._

It hurts to love someone that he is not. It really hurts.

_tears__._

Love who he is.

_a__ caress. comfort. advice._

I love. _ fiercely__. _Whoever he may be. I love him. Him.

Ah…

_tears__._

Why? Why doesn't he love me?

He killed me. He hurt you.

_ He abused your trust. He betrayed you. He lied to you. He killed. He hurt. He hurt. _

Yes. I know. And I'll never forgive him. 

_anger__._

I hate him. 

_fear__._

I love him. Whoever he is.

_despair__._

Subaru…

I belong to him.

_the__ hours are never hours when you love. a year is rarely so. the minutes are indistinct. but the seconds – those – are an eternity. the broken bird's sister knows it._

_she__ wishes – she hopes – for you to hold on to them…_

_she__ hopes in vain._

_a__ year is all your life. _

_her__ time that never was has come to an end. she leaves him._

_why__ does He not love you, dove?_

I'm his.

_don't__ breathe._

I am. His.

_don't__ hesitate._

His.

_love__._

Seishirou-san.

_because He__…_

_ He …you…_

For. Ever.

SMALL JAPANESE DICTIONARY:

** -chan** – honorific; reflects an intimate friendship, caring, affection.

** -san **– honorific; signifies a certain distance, respect. 

** onee****-san**** – **elder sister.

** onmyouji**** – **Japanese spiritual medium.

** sakura**** – **cherry blossom.

** shifuku**** – **casual wear. I use this word according to what I have read in other fics, referring to the ritual robes often worn by Subaru when performing magic that exact a higher level of concentration and protection from him.

** tabi**– two-fingered socks, characteristic of the Nipponese traditional wear.


End file.
